Vacant Clueless Smiles

A: “Hi!”

B: “Oh hi, didn’t see you there.”

A: “How are you?”

B: “Want to hear a joke?”

A: “Um… okay.”

B: “Knock knock.”

A: “Who’s there?”

B: “Obliviousness.”

A: “Obliviousness who?”

 B: “…”

A: “…Obliviousness who?”

B: “...”

A: “Erm…”

B: “…”

A: “Obliviousness… who?”

*B walks off*

Today, I rant. And I rant hard. Because oblivious people are infuriating. And there are lessons to be learned here, lest we become a species of ignorant, unaware, socially awkward wastes of space and precious brain matter.

We all do it sometimes. That’s forgiveable. We are tired, or deep in thought, and don’t notice the person on the other side of the street waving at us. This is Tier One Obliviousness. It is, for most people, unavoidable.

We reach higher up the Obliviousness Scale and find this:

The common-or-garden high street humiliation of an unanswered greeting. Again, it is forgiveable, but is nonetheless at least Tier Two. Finding yourself stranded alone in the middle of the street with your hand upraised in aimless greeting can never be recovered from gracefully.

A few grumbles to yourself as you travel on your way should soothe that bruised ego.

And now on to crab-walkers. 

You know the type. The people on their phones, mp3s or just gazing into a happy oblivious fog of ignorance as they zig-zag slowly across the pavement. This is Tier Three.

You try to ease by their left side. NOPE. They shuffle left.

You try to dart by their right side. DENIED. They meander right.

You try to outwit the crab-walker with the old left-right-left-again. It’s worki- YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

Why does this happen? Because the demon of obliviousness has possessed them. It has sensed you are running late for an important meeting, and has taken earthly form for the sole hellish purpose of making sure you do not get there.

These are just two examples of the obliviousness you can encounter on the street. When it comes to conversation, however, we discover a whole other strain of this disease. And this branch reaches from Tier One right up to Six Thousand.

Conversational obliviousness rears its horrifying head in many circumstances. Usually, they are one-offs, or slips of the tongue, or the person you are speaking to is just a little bit entertainingly hopeless. But then there are the others – the people who just have no frickin idea.

Case Study 1

A: “So yeah, that’s what happened, and… OH, shh, shh, don’t look round. There’s the girl I like.”

B: “The girl you like is here?”

A: “Yeah.”

B: “Is THAT her!? It is, isn’t it!? I knew it!”

A: “AARGH! No! Shh! Stop pointing!”

B: “Oh look, she’s leaving. She saw us and left. Hmm.”

A: *Vein pops in head* “Fancy that.”

Case Study 2

A: “You remember that thing I was telling you about the other day?”

B: “Hmm?”

A: “Well, it’s getting better now.”

B: “What thing?”

A: “The… problem.”

B: *Shrugs, looks distracted*

A: “My minor issue.”

B: “Riiight…?”

A: “My unfortunate circumstance.”

B: “Your what?”

A: *Sighs*

B: “OH, you mean the big wart on your chest that looks like a third nipple. That problem, right?“

A: “Oh my God.”

Case Study 3

A: “Oh, wow, is that the time?”

B: “Yup.”

A: “You’ve been here for ages! Haha!”

B: “Haha.”

A: “Aaaaaages! Haha!”

B: “Yeah, it has been a while, hasn’t it?”

A: “Ha. Yeah…”

B: “…”

A: “Wow. I’m tired.”

B: “Same here!”

A: “It is awfully late!”

B: “Haha.”

A: “…”

B: “…”

A: “…”

B: “Want to order pizza?”

A: “Get out.”

B: “What?”

A: “…”

B: “…”

A: “Aye, order some pizza.”

B: “Good idea!”

Perhaps there is nothing to be done. Maybe we will always have these floaty people in our lives, and all we can do is embrace them and their vacant clueless smiles.

On the other hand, it’s a harsh world out there. Imagining, dreaming, thinking, drifting away for a bit: they’re great, and they’re crucial. They nurture creativity, give us peace of mind, or time to come to terms with personal obstacles.

But there is a line to be drawn, and I’m drawing it now:

Dreamers create great pieces of art.

Oblivious people get hit by cars.

Dreamers drive innovation and progress.

Oblivious people make people cry and don’t give a flambé.

Dreamers yearn for self-discovery and enlightenment.

Oblivious people make non-oblivious people late and unhappy.

Stop it. Stop it right now. Stop being oblivious. Dream. Then live. Dream and live, don’t drift.

Be a Dreamer. You can have your head in the clouds, and still keep your feet firmly on the ground. It’s not impossible – it just means you’re tall.

*

(P.S. I felt my whiteboarding skills were not up to standard tonight. To make up for this, I offer you a picture of a vaguely startled, two-limbed, moustachioed creature. It wears socks and tiny little denim legs. Thank you and good night.)